the perks of being a wallflower

Wednesday, June 25

12:31 PM; feeling listless. vacant. depressed. crestfallen. melancholy. despondant.
do you ever get those days where you're feeling fine, and you could even say you're feeling happy, and with the snap of your fingers you feel depressed? i seem to get those days a lot, but today was the first time i felt like that in a long while.

my sister, mel often says how she's bipolar. i think it runs in the family.

being born into a bipolar family is partly to blame for this insanity. the other reason why, i think, is because God keeps me in check. He watches me and He notices when i'm being too happy or obnoxious, and tells me to calm the fuck down before somebody gets hurt.

i think daria is in my genes. not quinn. ever since i joined the army i think i changed as a person. especially since i started hanging out with ellen. i'm such a twinkie (yellow on the outside, white on the inside). basically i've been acting a lot like quinn, when at home in san diego i'm known as daria. more evidence of my bipolarity. (is that even a word?)

i feel like curling up in my bed with duaine (my stuffed turtle for all those that don't know) and crying really hard, then disentigrating.
love always, Meg
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Sunday, January 19

1:49 PM; goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that i knew..
peace out blogger. it's been fun.
to those who still love me, here's my new address: www.deadjournal.com/users/irockursocks
love always, Meg
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Saturday, January 18

10:25 PM; incubus' stellar has been and always will be my favoritest song on earth. and it sounds cool acoustic too.

today i went shopping for the first time in what seemed like years. before christmas i went shopping every weekend (which is probly why i spent about a grand this year) and then after christmas when i realized how broke i was, i decided i'd stop shopping. so i did. for two weeks. heh. but its okay because i didnt go that buckwild crazy. all i got was a cd, tongue rings, and some candles. good job, me!

i miss the christmas season. hurry up, year!

we have a 3day weekend thanks to mr. king, and i'm just sitting around on my lazy ass, playing with punkin. *sigh* yesterday me and ellen went to eat at uno's. that place is great. not only that, but our waiter was cute. hahahhaha. me and ellen are such juveniles. we kept giggling and shit everytime he came by. and i kept telling her how he had a crush on her. because he did! it was so cute. everytime he came by to check on us he was all soft-spoken and shy. and then when he asked us if we were gunna need a box, he had his hands behind his back and he was rocking back and forth. awwWw! i heart dorks.

all of a sudden i'm into trance and dance/trip hop type music. well, not ALL into it, but i almost bought a couple trance cds today. no, i'm not a raver.

ew today me and ellen saw a guy going through midlife crisis. it was a sad sight. we were in pacsun and he was with his wife (who was wearing leather pants might i add) buying a bunch of skater shirts. i.e. independent and billabong and the like. and he was dancing to the music and it was really ugly. then he asked the cashier "whatever happened to body glove??" me and ellen's jaws dropped. we about died.

have i ever mentioned how much i love norah jones? because i love her. and her voice. and her cd. it reminds me of christmas though, because i got her cd around christmas-break time and i listened to it ALLL of the last couple weeks of december. and it reminds me of christmas. and it makes me want it to be christmas even more. and i haven't gotten sick of the cd yet. because i love her. and her voice. and her cd.

i saw "a guy thing" yesterday and it was pretty funny. julia stiles is still my hero, even though she's a ditz in the movie.

i'm still thinking about getting post-it notes sewn on my body surgically so i'll stop forgetting things.
love always, Meg
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Thursday, January 16

8:00 PM; but smart don't make you coOooOOooollllll..
he's not invisible anymore. since he walked through that classroom door.

i'm up past my bedtime because i ended up procrastinating on my clinical data worksheet. i started out great -- i got ahead of the game by starting yesterday. but then i came to mike's apartment to work on it and i ended up getting distracted like a mother and chatting instead of doing my homerk. whoops. but now i'm done and i don't give a fuck.

two of my friends failed out of the course. i'm very upset. very. i don't even know what to say anymore.

i'm really really overwhelmed and stressed. there's so much shit going on and there's so much shit to learn, and i don't think my mongoloid brain can handle it. i recently diagnosed myself with ADD. and i recently realized that i am one of the world's biggest idiots.

but i'm too tired to go on.
love always, Meg
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Sunday, January 12

10:30 AM; are you listening whoa-oooooOoOoAaAa
ghad i hate being such a lazy ass. i SHOULD be working on my oral presentation/outline that's due tuesday, while i'm at a house that has printer access. either that or i SHOULD be studying for the test tomorrow. but i can't. i get distracted easily. and i'm fuckin lazy.

so i was thinking, i've had this blogspot for about a year now. maybe i should get a new one for the new year? like a fresh start? cuz i've had this layout forever too and its getting kinda boring. i WOULD change the layout but i'm fuckin lazy. too much html gets to my head and then i'll die. plus i wont stop until i'm finished and then i'd be up forever. *sigh*

last night i was at my friend's apartment watching my other friend, eric get his tattoo done by the cass. it was gRreat. the design was awesome and it looked really cool on his back. that, and cassity is a great artist. it made me inspired to hurry up and think of the design i want for my other tattoo. i was thinking i'd just add on to the one i have now, but i don't know what the hell to add on to it. and then i want a vanity belt, but i dont know what the hell kind of design i want for that either. AND i want one on the back of my neck, but again, i dont know what the hell kind of design i want for that. i need suggestions.

alright, alright. i'll go TRY to do my homework. pfFf.
love always, Meg
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Saturday, January 11

8:43 PM; i just realized that i've only been back in dc a week. it feels like fuckin forever. geezus cries. time is going by way too fuckin slow and i hate it. i really want this freakin course to be over so i can go home and go on wit mah bidness.
love always, Meg
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Friday, January 10

3:51 PM; who ARE you??!
whenever i come to mike' apartment i get shocked all over the place. too much static electricity up in this heezy! geez.

this week was hellacious. we started clinicals and my squad is at the national naval medical center in bethesda, maryland. NAVAL hospital. we're the only losers from the army up in that heezy baybeh. well, not the ONLY ones. but one of the only ones. geezus cries my instructor/academic advisor is such a psycho. but that's a whole other story. tuesday we started off with just orientation. the navy people are crazy, rank wise. i had to learn a whole new rank system because theirs is just retarted. i STILL can't get it right. i mean, i could tell the difference between an officer and an enlisted person, but i dunno. and i love their uniforms. they have so many different ones! it's great. it made me want to be in the navy. i'm seriously thinking of reenlisting to the navy after my 8 years in the army is up. but then there's the whole thing about being in a ship. i don't do ships. i remember going to visit my dad when he was still in the navy and i was really scurred cuz the stairs are steep and they don't have doorways.. they're like port holes or something and i kept bumping into them because my legs were too short to reach over them. and i know that if i don't die of seasickness, i'd die of claustrophobia.
anyway, wednesday we actually started working with patients and whaddya know, another patient on the ward had passed away earlier that morning and WE, the students, had to do post-mortem care. meaning, we had to clean him up and get him bagged and tagged and sent to the morgue. i don't know if you know this, but I'M TERRIFIED TO DEATH OF DEAD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! being dead is one of my worst fears and being around the deceased is just as bad. so when my instructor came by to tell me that i would be doing post-mortem care, i about had a heart attack. but i was too busy with my own patient to really think about it, and by the time ellen came by to get me, i started freaking out. i didn't wanna do it, but at the same time i wanted to watch the OTHERS do it. so we were walking towards his room all the while i was saying "i can't do it i can't do it". when we finally got to his room i was walking slowly and ellen was practically pushing me, and there were a whole bunch of people in there. the other students, my instructor, a corpsman (the navy hospital helper dude), and like 3 other nurses. and i started crying. like a big fat pansy. "i can't do it!" and everyone was looking at me. and my instructor and ellen started trying to comfort me and shit and i kept saying i was scared and ugh it was an ugly sight. but it didn't last long. i pulled myself together and watched my fellow students clean him up as the nurses tried to stop the bleeding from his left leg. my instructor was showing me how his blood had already started to pool and how he was already started to stiffen, and told me to try and bend his leg and shit. i did it though, but then afterwards i went back to my spot against the wall and continued to watch. i probably looked like a traumatized little child there, all up against the wall not moving with a terrified look on my face. but then i decided to get over it and she (my instructor) told me to fill out his tags (the ones they attach to the body and the body bag), and THEN i had to help tie him up. i didn't have to touch him though, i just tied the knot and went on my merry way.
i guess it was an okay experience, but it was much easier since there were a lot of people there. now if it were only me and someone else, i wouldn't be anywhere near the room. i'd die.

i'm starting to feel the stress that i was worried i would soon be feeling. we had a clinical data worksheet due yesterday (lucky me didn't procrastinate), we have a test on monday, and we have an oral presentation due on tuesday. argh. i'm probly gunna be a slacker and study AND work on my presentation on sunday. *sigh*

today during class i had an odd moment where i was daydreaming (as usual) and then i remembered the unlucky night a couple years ago when i experienced heartbreak for the first time. and then i started to dwell on that moment and my body started to feel exactly how it did that night.. all empty and weird and shaky and shit. it was crazy. but luckily i snapped back into reality and the memory went away as quick as it came. i wonder why that came up?
love always, Meg
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